Posted by Sage, January 19, 2019.
I’ve been in the game for many years now. I’ve had many ups and downs. However, I’ve also made a ton of progress. I’m a much more confident man now than when I first started. My dating life has also dramatically improved and I’ve met a ton of amazing women along the way. And none of this would have been possible without pickup.
During my journey, I’ve also seen a lot of guys give up. Lord knows I’ve wanted to give up countless times myself. I’m glad I didn’t. If you’re feeling stuck and not getting the results you desire, this post is for you. Here are 12 critical mistakes to avoid if you want to break through that glass ceiling and take your game to the next level.
Mistake #1: Not having a strong enough reason to improve your game
Why are you learning pickup?
Is it to have sex with a lot of girls?
Is it to get a girlfriend?
Is it to prove to yourself that you can become a “ladies’ man”?
Whatever your reason is, it has to be strong enough to drive you to improve your game — even during times when you don’t want to. Because without a strong, compelling reason, you’re likely going to give up during those tough nights out when all your sets are crashing and burning. Find your reason and use it as the fuel to drive you to success.
Mistake #2: Trying to defeat approach anxiety
Approach anxiety (AA) has been discussed endlessly within the pickup community. But no matter what anyone tells you, there is NO way to fully get rid of AA. No course, book, or product is going to make it disappear. It’s here to stay whether you want it or not.
I wish I knew this when I first started because it would have saved me so much time and struggle. Like many others, I was searching for the magic pill to cure my approach anxiety. The good news is that approach anxiety can be gradually and permanently reduced by doing 3 things:
1: Developing a strong inner game. This can be built up by working on insecurities and finding ways to improve yourself as a person.
2: Having the ability to force yourself to approach despite your approach anxiety. This is where having a strong desirable purpose will propel you forward.
3: Getting a lot experience. This means you have to go out and do a ton of approaches. And you’re going to screw up. A lot. But from this experience, you will learn what’s working, what’s not and adjust your game accordingly.
By doing these three things, I guarantee your AA will improve over time.
Mistake #3: Poor fashion style
You only have one chance to make a great first impression. Make yours count. I see a lot of guys who have good conversation skills but wear shirts or pants that are two sizes too big. And their poor results reflect that. Your style can be a deal breaker when meeting people and women are no different.
When it comes to fashion, fit and match are the most important. Go through your wardrobe and get rid of anything that fits poorly. If you’re not sure what your measurements are, go to a tailor and get yourself measured. A safe bet is to stick with collared shirts, dark slim jeans and dark dress shoes. And make sure that your belt and shoes match. Check out my men’s fashion guide to get a complete breakdown on what you should wear.
Mistake #4: Weak communication skills
Personally, I have a problem with speaking too fast. I know others who don’t speak loudly enough. While there are tons of products to improve your communication skills, the main things you should focus on are:
- Speaking slower
- Speaking louder
- Cutting out all “ahs”, “ums” and other filler words
- Talking from your diaphragm
Just by working on these few things you will significantly improve your communication skills. Check out my post here to learn how to speak more effectively.
Mistake #5: Only following one method
I used to believe that the mystery method was the best way to learn game. I would run the same routines with all of my interactions hoping it would go well. However, after doing this hundreds of times, I had little to show for it. It wasn’t until I started taking aspects from other methods and applying it to my personality where I started having more success.
No method is complete. Any dating company that tells you that is lying. The reason is because we’re all different and having our own unique strengths and weaknesses. What may work for me may not work for you.
This is why I believe that “structured natural game” is the best way to learn. Maintaining your unique self while slowly adding elements from methods that suit your values and personality is the best way to achieving dating success. And you can only do this by going out there, experimenting and learning from your experience.
Mistake #6: Having a crappy lifestyle
I was in university when I first started learning pickup. Despite reading countless books and approaching tons of girls, I had little success. I was lucky if I’d get a phone number. I think a big reason for my lack of success wasn’t my effort but my lifestyle. I was living with my dad who I’ve had a complicated relationship with. He’s extremely conservative and frowned upon dating so forget about the idea of bringing any girls home.
It was only after I moved out, had a proper job and my own place where I felt I had any freedom. And thanks to this new found freedom, I was happier, more motivated and able to push myself. I think living in your own place is critical to your dating success. Besides having a place to bring your dates home to, you’ll feel more independent and fulfilled. So focus on building an attractive lifestyle and you’ll be much more likely to attract the right type of people into your life.
Mistake #7: Having the wrong mentors
I’ve taken three boot camps. Yes, three. Out of all of them, only one was worthwhile. My first mentor was my friend who was a great motivator but not great at adapting his methodologies to his students. Besides having a rock star persona (something I couldn’t relate to) I found many of his techniques not suitable for my personality. For my second boot camp, my instructor was half drunk for a portion of it. Enough said.
It was only after meeting RedpoleQ at my third boot camp where my game skyrocketed. Besides knowing his stuff, he really cares about his students. Whenever I’m stuck, I can shoot him a message and he will give me practical, actionable advice. And he really tailors his method to each student so that anyone can learn it. Whatever advice you decide to follow, choose your mentors wisely.
Mistake #8: Only focusing on outer game at the expense of inner game
One mistake I see many guys make is using routines or lines as a way to mask their insecurities. I’m guilty of this myself. I’m not saying that routines don’t work because they do and can make learning game much easier. Many routines, such as role-plays or bantering, are extremely effective with women.
However, routines won’t fix your inner game issues and they definitely won’t fix your AA. If you’re serious about improving your game, focus on your inner game first. This means working yourself to become the best man you can be. Cultivating a positive mindset, being grateful, and adding value to others are all great ways to become more attractive.
Mistake #9: Trying to be someone you’re not
I’ve tried being a famous rock star, a suave ladies man, and a number of other personalities. And every time I tried being someone else, it didn’t work. Something always felt off and the girls could sense this too.
I realize now it’s much better to be your real, authentic self with everyone you meet. Lay yourself out there and don’t be ashamed of who you are. If you’re into comics, talk about that. If you love movies, tell her about your favorite movie. Either she’s going to accept you or not, so it’s better to do it from the start so you save both yourselves time. There’s something irresistibly attractive about someone who is real and authentic. Not only will others respect you, they’ll be drawn to you as well.
Mistake #10: Failing to surround yourself with the right people
Legendary motivational speaker, Jim Rohn, said that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If this is true, you better choose who you spend your time with very carefully. If most of your friends spend all their time playing video games or watching YouTube videos, you’re going to be much less likely to go out and talk to girls. However, if your friends are messaging you to get your ass out of your house so you can approach together, that’s going to make things much easier.
Many of my friends are into self-improvement and entrepreneurship, which are things that I’m interested in as well. Surround yourself with people who have similar values and goals and use them as support to propel yourself forward to create the life you desire.
Mistake #11: Reading too much and failing to take action
You’ve probably heard the term “keyboard jockey.” It’s someone who reads a lot and posts frequently on the forums but takes little to no action. Don’t be one of these guys. You can read every book and product out there but if you don’t take action, you’re not going to see the results. I made this mistake early on and it ended up slowly down my progress. Instead of putting the information I read into action, I got confused from all the different voices. Reading is important but only if you put the information into action.
A good way to avoid information overload is to only focus on one area of your game at a time. So if you’re struggling with approach anxiety, make it your goal to approach 3 girls a day. Once you feel comfortable approaching girls, move onto to the next area of game you’re struggling with. Not only is this more manageable, it gives you a clear, specific goal to shoot for.
Mistake #12: Trying to find that magic pill
We live in a society that allows for instant gratification. Want to know what your friends are doing? Log in to Facebook. Want to read the latest news? Check out Twitter. This instant gratification has made us lazy. We expect things instantly without putting in the hard work.
However, becoming more successful with women takes time. And unless you’re Brad Pitt or George Clooney, you’re going to have to work your ass off. There is no magic pill. Remembering a new line or routine isn’t going to help. The only way to becoming better is by overcoming your insecurities — one at a time. And unfortunately, there is no way to speed up this process.
The journey to becoming better with women is a long and bumpy road. But anything worth having takes time. A satisfying and fulfilling love life is one of the greatest joys in life. Some of the most amazing people I’ve met have been as a result of pickup. There will be times when you want to give up. Don’t. Stick with it. I guarantee you’ll be much happier in the end.