Posted by Sage, January 15, 2019.
Every guy has experienced approach anxiety to some degree. You see a beautiful girl you want to talk to and your heart is racing as you take those first few first steps toward her.
A lot guys ask “How do I defeat approach anxiety? How do I crush it so it never comes back?” I think this is the wrong way to go about it. The truth is you don’t have to crush approach anxiety to develop your game. In fact, you can use it to your advantage to turn those uneasy feelings into raw magnetic attraction. Follow the 7 tips below to find out how…
1. Realize you will get rejected
The first thing you have to realize is that you will get rejected. A lot. It doesn’t matter if you’re the smoothest guy in the world; you’re going to get rejected. I’ve probably been rejected thousands of times. When a girl isn’t interested, I don’t take it personally. I’ll move on to the next one. Is it always easy? No. But I know that the next girl who I talk to could be the girl of my dreams. And the only way to find out is by approaching her.
In fact, rejection is actually good for you. It gives you a thicker skin. It teaches you how to deal with challenges. And it’s a great learning opportunity to do better next time. The sooner you accept rejection, the sooner you can get rid of the pressure of approaching. It’s much better to see approach anxiety as a source of excitement rather than pain, since you’re much more likely to do something (and like it) if you’re excited about it.
2. Accept the fear
Whether it’s fear of approaching an attractive woman or telling her how you feel, fear is something many guys struggle with (myself included). And the truth is that it never goes away. Our fears and worries are always working against us. They keep us from progressing and changing ourselves. Their purpose is to keep us at the status quo.
In Mark Manson’s Guide to Happiness, he mentions that the biggest factor to our baseline happiness is how much we feel in control of our lives. The unhappiest people are often those who feel helpless due to their fears and anxieties, while the happiest ones are those who feel the most in control of their lives.
So how do start taking control of your life? Accept the fear. Embrace it. And approach anyway. It may be scary at first, but pretty soon you’ll start becoming more comfortable. And once you’re more comfortable, your approaches will be more natural and fun. You’ll start enjoying the process and exhibiting more attractive qualities to women. But the key is to just get started — even if you’re scared. No amount of books, videos or visualization exercises is going to help without action.
3. Take baby steps
An important first step is to start off small. Don’t worry about getting her number or getting a date. Just focus on the approach. The more heavily invested you are in the interaction, the more pressure you’ll place on yourself and risk falling short of your goals. At the beginning, just say hello or ask for directions and then leave. Once you get more comfortable, work on making your conversations longer.
If your anxiety is bad, make it a goal to talk to just one person a day. Once you’re comfortable with that, increase that number to two. Turn it into a fun challenge and see how many people you can get to smile. And if you get stuck with your words, that’s fine. Keep it simple. Whenever I’m feeling rusty and haven’t approached in a while, I’ll commit myself to say hi to just one person a day. I’ll do this for 30 days and by the end of those 30 days, approaching will feel completely natural for me. The important thing is to take consistent action.
4. Be vulnerable
Equally as important is to be vulnerable. Men often have a hard time making themselves vulnerable and sharing their emotions. Don’t worry, I’m not telling to you hug strangers and tell them that you love them. I’m talking in more broader terms.
Being vulnerable means you’re willing to share your fears and insecurities. It means willing to get rejected when approaching girl, having the balls to go for the kiss, stating your honest opinion about a touchy subject, or even joining a group of strangers at the bar. It requires putting yourself out there and risk getting rejected.
Remember, the key to any interaction isn’t to impress the person but to make a connection. And you can only do this by fully expressing yourself. Women want to connect but they can only do so if you’re being 100% real with them. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and be just be real. Women can sense insincerity from a mile away and will be turned off by it. By doing this, you’ll be naturally attracting the right type of people in your life.
5. Women want to be approached
Realize that women WANT to meet you. Most guys assume when they see a girl they want to approach is that she’s probably busy, doesn’t want to be bothered or is stuck-up. This is nonsense. Many girls I’ve talked to say they’re frustrated that there are so few guys willing to approach and talk to them. Chances are girls are probably interested in you and are waiting for you to talk to them. Seriously. You might be her exact type and she just broke up with her boyfriend is looking to have some revenge sex. You never know. And the only way to find out is to just go for it.
Think about it, if you’re someone who is fun, positive and adds value, any girl would be happy to talk to you. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or how good looking you are. I’m certainly not the richest or best looking guy. But if you can make her feel great (by giving her an awesome, unique experience) she’s going to be happy you approached her.
6. The fear is all in your head
When it comes to approach anxiety, there’s really nothing to be afraid of. All those fears in your head are likely false. Most guys when they approach a girl think of the worst case scenario. She’ll probably get upset and yell at you, everyone with laugh, and you’ll be humiliated. But the chances of any of this happening are likely zero (unless you deliberately do something to make her upset or cause a scene).
Those fears which we have amplified in our minds are much worse than the actual rejection itself. So what happens when you get turned down by a girl? Nothing. In fact, most women will go out of their way to be nice and polite when rejecting a guy. It’s not like they don’t enjoy being approached (it’s a huge ego boost), it just has to be done in the right way. As long as you’re respectful and not creepy or rude, you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong. At the very least, she’s going to appreciate that you went out of your way to talk to her.
7. Don’t take rejection personally
In the end, don’t take rejection personally. It doesn’t define you as a man. When you approach a girl and she declines, she isn’t rejecting you as a person; she’s simply rejecting your approach. And chances are she’s likely rejecting your approach for some external reason. Maybe she’s in a bad mood because she had an argument with a friend. Or maybe doesn’t want to meet anyone because she just got out of a serious relationship. There could be any number of reasons why she turns you down that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
One great tip I learned is to think of approaching like a video game. Whenever you approach a girl and she rejects you, just press restart, get a new life, and start over again. If you do this enough times, eventually you’re going to win (and save the princess as well). And the great thing is you get an unlimited amount of lives.
So start embracing your approach anxiety and get out there and talk to girls. Either she’s going to be interested in you or she won’t. But if you if don’t approach, you’ll never know. If you let your fear stop you from living your life, you’ll never start truly living your life. Just like the great Wayne Gretzky has said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” When are you going to start taking yours?
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