Posted by Sage, January 9, 2019.
There’s a common misconception that charisma is something you either have or don’t. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Charisma isn’t a gene that’s inherited; it’s a trait that is developed. In fact, anyone can develop charisma…if you’re willing to put in the hard work.
When I was in high school I was really shy. I would usually spend my lunch breaks hiding away in the library so I could avoid seeing my classmates. I was so shy I would get palpitations just asking a girl what time it was. It wasn’t until I started working on myself and facing my fears that I became more comfortable with myself. Now I’m much more confident, carefree and sociable. In fact, people are often shocked when I tell them how shy I was. But it definitely took a lot of hard work for me to reach this point.
So what exactly is charisma? I’d say a big part of charisma is the ability to make those around you feel good. When someone’s with you, they feel as if they’re the most important person in the world. They’re drawn to your presence and enjoy being around you. But how do you make others feel this way?
Focus on the other person
A good first step is to put the spotlight on the person you’re talking to. Focus on their unique and positive qualities. In Robert Green’s groundbreaking book, The Art of Seduction, he mentions nine seducer types, one being “the Charmer”. The charmer makes others fall under his spell by making them the center of attention. He listens, observes, and lets his ‘target’ do all the talking. He never criticizes or becomes angry and is always a source of pleasure. This is what you want to do.
However, when most guys talk to a girl, they try to impress her by showing how cool or awesome they are. They become angry or jealous when she doesn’t give them the attention they think they deserve. This shows they’re insecure and needy, which is a huge turnoff for women. Instead, you should listen to her and focus on what she’s saying. Be engaged and don’t interrupt her. When you find your mind wandering off somewhere else, bring it back by focusing on the moment. By focusing your attention on her unique traits, she’ll start feeling good about herself and want to spend more time with you.
Develop a positive attitude
Before you can start making others feel good, you have to first feel good about yourself. If you have a positive and upbeat attitude, others will be able to pick it up and be drawn to you. They will start to feel your positive energy and as a result, feel better themselves.
So how do you develop a positive attitude? A good way to do this is by choosing to embrace life. Let go of your worries and live in the moment. Stop worrying about the trivial things and start focusing on the important things that bring you happiness. Most of us live our lives by dwelling on the past while worrying about the future. We’re constantly living in a state of flux where we’re never truly present. This isn’t truly living. The only thing we can control is the present – the now – so that’s what you should be focusing on.
Meditation is a great way to clear your mind and focus on being present. Start meditating for at least five minutes every day and I guarantee you’ll start noticing a difference in your mindset and attitude. You’ll begin appreciating things you didn’t before, like the cool gentle breeze or the tree’s rustling leaves. This may sound new age, but it works.
Reframing negative emotions into positive ones is equally as important. If someone cuts you off while driving, give them the benefit of the doubt that they may be having an emergency. If you have an embarrassing moment during the day, see it as a silly or funny situation instead. By reframing your experiences into positive ones, you’ll be better at handling challenges in the future.
Developing your charisma also means being grateful for the things you have. Most people are overly negative and tend to focus on the bad aspects of life. Don’t be one of these people. Instead, start appreciating the things you have in your life — no matter how small.
To develop your gratitude I recommend doing the Three Daily Gratitudes exercise. These are three things that you are thankful for in your life. It could be as simple as “I’m grateful for this delicious breakfast” or as deep as “I’m grateful for being alive today”. The key is picking three different things you are grateful for every day.
Another good exercise is to write about one positive experience you’ve had in the past 24 hours. Did you have a deep meaningful conversation with your best friend? Did you read an inspiring quote? Or did that cute girl in class finally smile at you? Great, write it down. It doesn’t matter how small or trivial the experience may be. The important thing is to be on the lookout for positive experiences that add value to your life.
I recommend writing your reflections down in a journal. This daily practice will help you to change your mindset so you can start focusing on all the great things you have in your life.
Spread the positivity
To further develop your charisma, you have to share it with others. Be positive and friendly to those around you. And this doesn’t mean only being positive or charming with a few select people (such as hot girls) while ignoring everyone else. This makes you look fake and insincere. By being friendly to everyone, women will start seeing you as an attractive and fun guy before they even have the chance to talk to you.
A great exercise I learned is to call or email someone you know and let them know how they add value to your life. While this may sound strange, you’ll be surprised how many people will appreciate this. Most of us feel underappreciated, and by having someone tell us why we’re special, we’ll feel better about ourselves. I feel everyone has something special to offer. The trick is finding it and bringing it out of that person.
Focus on ways you can add value to others instead of what you can get from them. Most people focus on what they can get from others, which is never attractive. Instead of trying to get a phone number or date whenever you talk to a woman, focus on how you can make her day better. Tell her something you appreciate about her, make her laugh and give her a unique experience. Not only will this brighten her day, it will dramatically increase the chances of her WANTING to give her number to you.
Adding value also expands to other areas of your life. You should always be finding ways to add value. If I read an article that may be useful for a friend, I’ll forward it to him. If a client is looking for a designer and I know a great one, I’ll recommend him to the client. It’s basically finding ways to help others. A guy who adds value to others is rare in this world where everyone is only focused on their needs.
Open up and express yourself
While it’s important to focus on others, this doesn’t mean you can’t share your own thoughts and feelings. Great conversations require two active participants. In fact, it’s essential you become comfortable expressing yourself when talking to others. Most guys have trouble expressing their thoughts and feelings – especially when it comes to women. We’re taught to hide our emotions. To be tough. Not only is this emotionally unhealthy, it makes it difficult to connect with others.
A good way to express yourself is to use the “I” perspective. Saying “I love sushi” is more personal than “Sushi is delicious”. Saying “I like you” is stronger than “You’re liked by me.” This will help the person to learn more about you and feel more connected.
Also, don’t be afraid to share your interests and passions. If you enjoy traveling, tell them about your favorite places. If you love photography, let them know what photos you enjoy taking. Only by sharing who you are can the other person learn about you.
As the legendary action star, Bruce Lee has said “Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” This in essence, is true charisma. And like anything worth having, developing true charisma takes time. There is no magic formula to it. And honestly, it’s never ending process. By cultivating a positive attitude, being grateful, fully expressing yourself, and adding value to others, you’ll become the charismatic ladies man I know you can be. Keep at it.